Mental Picture

I think i have described the iraqi state of mind but i answered an email the other day to a friend wanting to know the my mental picture on the situation. and this is it


"a mental pic huh....

We are, as males and kings of the jungle, to be taught not to show fear. This is magnified in the military a hundred times more. Crying is not an option.... that is for the women and gays.

well honestly i thought i would be a lot more scared then i am rolling out the gate to the combat zone. but years of personal training and your team unity is the life line and you have to trust in your self and keep your senses on high alert. i say a quick prayer before we go on these missions and then its on. I haven't fired on anyone yet and often wonder what it will feel like with my first kill. it kinda feel like a robot and ill just ID the target, point and shoot. i am willing to lay down a life if it protects me our my team, but its hard not to wonder. I have known dudes who have done that then find out it was a car full of a family or some other innocent person. I am not scared to kill but terrified that i am in a position and i shoot too fast and feel a threat that is not there accidentally killing innocent people, or not notice a threat and my team or i am killed that i could have prevented. its a fine line in between.

Its funny that when you see people on the side of the road staring at you, i always think if they are the spotter reporting to the trigger man that controls the IED ahead? Or does he hate me and that is a revengeful look telling me he is a potential threat? maybe he is waiting for us to dismount so he can detonate his suicide vest? When i meet our Iraqi counterparts that we are training, i wonder if one of them is planning our kidnapping or sizing us up to discover our vulnerabilities? If i drive down a street with no children playing, does that mean the pile of dirt ahead has an EFP or IED? It feels like a mobster movie, where everyone is smiling to your face, but stabbing you in your back. Or the like your in downtown Gaddianton Robber town like in the Book of Mormon.

I believe everything the church has taught me (even though i am lacking in areas) and pray that God helps me and inspires me to a knowledge and understanding higher then my retarded self bc lives of His children are a stake. I have been trying to get better with Him, bc i know and felt through personal experience from my mission and other times that it is really all in the Lord's hands. I can only help the iraqis build their army and train them with his help. All the influence, common sense, and military training is nothing if someone doesn't want to change or listen. I believe that God can effect these people and inspire them to let me do my job and teach them how they can become a safe country free of a terrorist threat. The other day a car bomb went off at a check point 2 mins after we left it. That was really my first "oh #$&% people are trying to kill me" experience so far and that this is just the beginning. My mental state is pretty much wrapped up as "in-shala" (Arabic for God willing). Its in his hands, if its going to happen, its going to happen. All i can do is my best. "

Its like Major General Zilmer USMC said "But professional, be polite, but have a plan to kill everybody"